Sitat av
Junkie
Dette er din egen prosess som ingen kan dømme deg på, bare du selv vet verdiene av det du gjør og opplever, og den lærdommen som kommer ut av det. Som utenforstående kan det være tungt å høre de innerste tankene til en person som lever i en annen og ekstrem psykologisk situasjon, det vil virke uforståelig og skille seg fra de problemene vanlige folk møter til daglig. Litt som at mennesker i krig kan få seg til å handle og tenke annerledes enn mennesker i trygghet. Som leser kan bli forbannet og oppgitt (noe som bare går utover en selv), eller være lutter øre og ta til seg den virkeligheten som blir presentert i fascinasjon og takknemlighet for at noen delte det. Det er jo totalt frivillig å lese det eller ikke.
Jeg stoler på at du (Tom) kommer deg av den dagen viljen er tilstrekkelig tilstede. I mellomtiden setter jeg pris på det innblikket du gir inn i en situasjon som jeg ellers ikke ville hatt innblikk i. Dette er en omfattende og god "rusrapport".
Hærlig, dette her var jælig spot on.
Jeg tror ærlig talt den tiden er nå, jeg.
Så lenge alt er på plass i morgen. Jeg har gjort det til en jævlig stor greie i hodet mitt nå; det finnes ingen grunn til at jeg ikke skal ha noen hundre mg oxy i morgen - den første av de siste opiatene jeg noensinne tar. Dette er jeg fult i stand til å stå på, må huske jeg har gått snart 2 år uten å bruke heroin utover når jeg er på nasjonalt TV
- så og si. Det er en ganske enorm endring i hjernebarken. Skrev faktisk litt om det i sted, synes det ble passe høytsvevende:
(Tenker også det er viktig å få ut nok ord til at folk kan vite med sikkerhet at jeg skyter amfetamin. Alt jeg gjør gjør jeg fordi jeg er ruset på ditt eller leter etter datt. De har helt rett)
It's Sunday, and I have lived through another week of methadone poisoning, despite my claim a week ago that I wouldn't.
For what it's worth, I did manage to set the table for actually never touching methadone again, through last week. And tomorrow is another day I'm supposed to pick up, and another day that I'm saying the day before that I won't.
And this isn't about methadone alone. This is about me turning the page to live another life. I'm talking a thorough change of my basic essence, and for those who know what I'm talking about; I understand that you think I'm clueless. It may seem like I think these fights can be won in a day through willpower, the eternal life lie junkies live by.
Contacting my doctor december 2018 was the first time I ever met him, to check into rehab 2019.. The same month I registered with social services to get minimum welfare, another first. As for the rehab, I thought I'd stay for 4 weeks, and be done with heroin, which had dominated my life since 2013.
And boy was I wrong. Luckily I realized this as quickly as the people working there realized that I was a different one. They got me to jump the line, and I went straight to more long time rehab. But I had nothing sorted, I refused opiate maintenance, and really just fucked around for half a year before I got kicked out after a record amount of relapses without getting the boot.
Because to stop taking something that you've been addicted to for years, so addicted that nothing else in your life could stop you, it's simply not a matter of choice anymore. We are far less consciously in control than we like to believe, just think about the last time you decided to cut down on sweets or start working out. It feels so obvious, so easy, when you set the goal. But the next day, standing in the store, looking at that candybar - knowing that the difference between 99.512 candybars and 99.513 candybars is non existing, the fewest of us can stay true to our past day selves.
But to me, candy is childsplay to stay away from. Even keeping a decent diet. Because that is not something I have developed a pattern of dependency towards. But for those who have; quitting heroin is essentially the same (guessing most people have more experience with candy than smack).
Until you realize that it's not the behavior that is the problem, it's not the choice to eat that candy - it's the underlying motivation and the complex causality of that motivation's propagation of that behavior, that is the key to neutralizing the behavior, and thus curbing the addiction.
I know it sucks, because you can't just decide to fix it. You actually have to address all kinds of unrelated shit, when you really just want to stop being a fat fuck deepthroating candy all day.
You have to remove the factors that binds you, and you can't even begin without knowing what they are.
But when you know what they are, and when you start improving; that's when your will get's it's time to shine. When you have reduced your chains to simple connections to other aspects of your sense of self, you can actually get to work.
And that's just what I have been doing these last years. I have not only identified pressure points and mechanisms; I have even created new ones - that may even be constructs of my imagination.
But that's the beauty of our stupid minds. We are so fucking dumb that we actually can fool ourselves, if we are smart enough about it.
My point is that I am now one confirmation away from having the keys to my kingdom; one confirmation regarding something that really doesn't change much, objectively speaking.
But to me, it changes everything. Thanks to my lvl3 placebo control, I can actually construct my own truths, deliberately, to project them out in to the world - and in doing so materializing my illusions to something real and measurable. Just like I've created a personality in complete devotion to develop technology, I have created some truths in my head regarding what I am able to and what I am not able to do.
Why bother?
Well, if I hadn't, I wouldn't have any reason to suddenly devote myself to change. It would just be a big bang out of nothingness; something that doesn't make sense. But now; it makes all the sense in the world, and this cryptic, pointless text to you, is another lock on that truth to me.